Emotional Intelligence & The 12 Steps

Well… some of the steps anyway:

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), is defined as “the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it’s an inborn characteristic.” by Verywellmind.com. Harvard Health Publishing says “[Emotional Intelligence] refers to the ability to identify and regulate our own emotions, to recognize the emotions of other people and feel empathy toward them, and to use these abilities to communicate effectively and build healthy, productive relationships with others.”

The factor of EQ that I’m not seeing delved into enough, is the regulating your own emotions part. The self-will and self-control factors. I’m most interested in this part, probably because it’s where I see in myself, needing the most help.

In Step One of AA, you are to surrender yourself to the fact that you have a problem beyond your control, and you’re powerless to fix it on your own… that IS such a huge and great first step, because it means you are self aware enough to put Ego to the side and eat that piece of humble pie instead. It’s not easy. Tastes like vinegar. And the fact is, MOST people can’t do it. The reason its the step it is, is because there isn’t any other way to go beyond that point successfully, without that deep, dark, HARD, self realization, which is typically brought on by some traumatic and shameful event we never want to relive, and are solely responsible for having happened.

Step Two, is giving it up to our higher power, whomever that is/represents to us as an individual… For someone who has struggled with their Faith and claimed every religion to be theirs at one point or another, thinking maybe one higher power may show up for me finally, over the others, and bring the clarity and true guidance, without struggle, that I desired…. this was a step that had ‘chased; (scared) me away from the AA/NA community, countless times. In my mind, having Hope, was a hopeless, disappointing feeling.

The reason it scared me so much is because of my control issues and subconscious belief that if I can manipulate ( example: I’ll control the direction of a conversation by initiating communication first) every situation I’m put in, then the outcome can’t be anything that surprises and shatters my world. I won’t have to have another potentially traumatic event added to the pile of them I have yet to sit with and work through as it is… It is my way of giving myself another ‘out’ or reason to run as far away from myself as I can. It’s not pretty. For me, running from myself looks like:

• Taking drugs to make me feel any other way than the way I do when I sit with the emotions triggered by past traumas.
• Inviting chaos into my life. Putting myself in negative, unhealthy or harmful situations because that’s where my comfort zone is, and as long as ‘I don’t have the time’ to stop climbing this metaphorical pile of shit decisions and actions I’m making, then no truly raw and scary emotion like abandonment, shame, or loneliness can ever catch up with me and consume me entirely.
• Keeping myself in dangerous situations where I’m in a constant state of fear & confusion, or fight or flight… this 180% distracts me, from ever having even a fleeting minute, to start getting comfortable with the mere IDEA that getting comfortable with my discomfort, is the real first step towards authentic healing.
• Testing and pushing the limits and boundaries of those I care about, in order to make them leave me “like everyone always does”. In my subconscious, I know without a doubt, that no one is truly consistent for a lifetime. Everyone will abandon you at some point, so I might as well (since a portion of me is, in this moment, is giving up on myself) make you leave now, than let myself become more and more attached and trusting of you, only to be devastated when you DO finally go- because ah-ha, alas, I was right from the start. Its another way of me lighting my own house on fire and adding insult to injury. Do I really want to push the people I love and care about, so far away that they never want to be in my life again? Of course not, but I let my fear of desertion run so rampant, that if I don’t control/stop it, it won’t stop until I am standing alone, surrounded by smoke, dust and ashes, with tears running uncontrollably down my face wondering why I’ve done this to myself yet again. The kicker is that, because ‘Life is ironic and cruel’ (sarcasm towards my obvious Victim stance), of course this is the moment where I allow my emotions like shame, regret, humiliation, etc, to walk through the door… and for those moments, I welcomingly embrace them all.

So you can see, based off of my default reactions and avoidance of facing raw, painful feelings and my chosen ‘inability’ to work through them, that the whole, ‘giving it up’ to God or whoever, was just out of the question.

Step Three is where we really make the mental and soul commitment to let go and let God (as we understand him), and fully immerse ourselves in every gucky, sticky, gross, uncomfortable emotion that arises, sitting with it, feeeeeeling it, and either working through it or letting it pass on its own (as God wants).

THIS is where I feel I’m always provoked to see where I am so obviously lacking in the Emotional Intelligence department. This is beyond frustrating because I hold having soaring EQ levels to be the highest, most awakened human state, and that is something I desire very, very much. I feel you are capable of being the very best version of yourself, which in turn positively impacts the whole of humanity, when you are so self aware and self managed.

More later…