Organized Chaos — Blog Post Numero Uno
Welcome to the mind of a trafficking survivor- and I spose I’m still living this nightmare, so lets say, ‘a survivor as of now’ (who knows, maybe I’ll get shived and tossed away as soon as I click post ;) ).
The uncensored experience of a mind laden in Complex PTSD, Severe Anxiety, Situational Depression, and ADHD.
“To define me is to limit me.”
I am more than what’s happened to me and more than the experiences that have shaped me. I choose to persevere. I choose betterment for myself and still have hope that there can betterment for society. I have to.
My intention with starting this blog is not to call out any specific names, companies or groups. Why? Because I AM aware. I am aware of how large and successful an industry, and how small I, as one person, am. A tiny little bleep in a big, big world. I’m nobody. I could throw some people under the bus and then what? A couple different things could happen: The bad guys get caught and put away… but others are right there, by the droves, to replace him/her instantly. I cant stress that part enough. OR, I get taken out because I am a problem. Feel free to refer to the Epstein case. And lemme tell you… as concrete as I can make it: I have zero desire to commit suicide. I am also now sober (we’ll get into my drug usage later), so any overdose or bullshit that were to ‘happen’, wasn’t my doing. I’m quick to say, and say so frankly, that this world fucking sucks. The way its operated, the secrets, the fear, and the lack of empathy, love and compassion makes me physically ill sometimes.
Yes, yes I know… there is much good to be seen, acknowledged and embraced too. I’m also the first to throw out the quote, “Your perception is your reality, so control your thoughts and the way you speak to yourself. Fill your mind with positivity”, and “What you put in, you’ll see in return.” Karma. The Golden Rule. Manifestation.
I firmly believe in all of that too… You’ll see through my posts, what my perception of the reality around me was at the time, as I documented several days in journal entries. I’ve always been a writer, since I was a young girl, specifically creative stories & journaling. As I’ve gotten older and as my rose-colored glasses were taken off, I’ve developed an appreciation for the English language and the way words can be manipulated to benefit and serve a person, because again, perception is everything. I’m also the first to yell “double meaning!!!” and break out laughing in the middle of conversing with someone… eh!
Anyway! My intention is to bring awareness to people. Bring awareness to mental health and the crippling, detrimental path of darkness it can lead you down, as well as the wonderful things that can come- because it is true what they say: You can’t appreciate the good, if you don’t experience bad. Without darkness, the stars wouldn’t shine so brightly. Trials and tribulations are the greatest teacher, and since we’re students of this human experience, its mandatory we go through them… but then, then we get to choose…. We get to choose if we get up after we fall, are kicked, etc… do you quit? Do you fight (I don’t mean physically)? Do you learn? Do you choose to then help people with the knowledge you now have from the experience you lived? Or do you keep it to yourself in a bitter, spiteful way because you let those hard moments harden your heart? You only know what you know, when you know it.
My message and optimistic purpose of this blog, is to help other men/women that have/had a similar mental troubles, shared experiences, and to hopefully not feel so alone in this self-serving, egocentric, greedy world living in excess. Maybe I’ll be able to help some of you see the signs or red flags, so you don’t get into the same situations and experiences I lived. But if all I do is bring some awareness to the severity of the consequences of not loving yourself, respecting yourself, having healthy boundaries, or protecting yourself from the cruelty of others (whether that’s your family, your friends, strangers, etc) actions/influence/environment… then I’ve done what I set out to.
Awareness — noun
: the quality or state of being aware: knowledge and understanding that something is happening or exists
// promoting a heightened awareness of the problem
// seemed to have only a slight awareness of what was going on
// an acute awareness of subtle differences
// They hope to raise awareness of endangered species, encouraging donations and attracting tourists to the region to support conservation efforts.
// The alternative press played a particularly important role in raising political awareness and facilitating mobilization against the regime in South Africa…
“Awareness is all about restoring your freedom to choose what you want instead of what your past imposes on you.”
“What makes you think human beings are sentient and aware? There’s no evidence for it. Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable. For the most part, members of our species simply repeat that they are told- and become upset if they are exposed to any different view. The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for territory or food; but, uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their ‘beliefs’. The reason is that beliefs guides behavior which has evolutionary importance among human beings. But at a time when our behavior may well lead us to extinction, I see no reason to assume we have any awareness at all. We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists. Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion.”
Silence — verb
: to compel or reduce to silence:
// silenced the crowd
// silence dissent
: to cause to cease hostile firing or criticism
// silence the opposition
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
“There comes a time when silence is betrayal.”
“History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.”
“Your life begins to end the moment you start being silent about the things that matter.”
Martin Luther King Jr.
Suppression — noun
: the act of ending something by force:
// the suppression of human rights
: the act of preventing something from being seen or expressed or from operating
// the suppression of free speech
// the illegal suppression of evidence
“Peace produced by suppression is neither natural nor desirable.”
Anna Julia Cooper
“It’s the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.”
Human trafficking — noun
: organized criminal activity in which human beings are treated as possessions to be controlled and exploited (as by being forced into prostitution or involuntary labor)
// Clark’s work on civil rights has covered other important matters, such as human trafficking, hate crimes, criminal justice reform, and voting rights.
“Truthfully, human trafficking is just a polite way to say modern-day slavery.”
WELP! Thats all for now. My mission statements out there and I feel good to have the first blog post down. Next post I’ll explain my competing in the Maxim Cover Girl 2021 Competition.
Thank you all for reading and supporting. It means the world. #Awareness
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