They Say ‘Home’ is Found Within

And I’ve always struggled fiercly with this. I’ve searched for family and the feel of belonging, or ‘home’, all my life.

Well, so lets catch up all up a bit… I am still that girl riddled with complex PTSD, severe anxiety, situational depression, ADHD, and the like… but as I typically only tell people those things as a way of defining me, and in a way, excusing my life for being where I am in it, or as an excuse for making the choices I have… I’m finding that I really don’t want to be DEFINED, as such. Now, as we become more ‘with the times’ and we see that mental health is a very serious factor that should absolutely be taken into consideration with each human we come in to contact with- or rather- choose to form a relationship with… it isn’t so much, is it? It’s more so looked at and more so considered, when a person acts in a way we don’t understand and need to better understand, in a way that our brain can process and accept. THEN, and usually only then, do we really sit and mull over the different facets that could be reason as to why a person acted in the way they did. I digress… that was sort of a ramble, and not the key reason I brought up this reminder of my diagnosis’.

I’ve been through, and put myself through, a lot. I mean, a LOT, a lot. Loved ones are constantly asking me when I’ve had enough of shattering my own life (usually presented in much nicer terms such as self-destruction etc.)… Usually I’ll joke it off and say something along the lines of, “Gee I hope THIS is the last time- I can’t imagine reaching a lower low in my life”- only for that to almost be my message to the Universe, that I challenge It to show me just how low I can go (queue a game of Limbo), and survive”. That said, I have, more than once, stated that everything I’ve been through since becoming more of a self proclaimed, ‘aware’/woke human being, manifested much of this myself.

I have this innate desire and NEED to experience all that life has to offer… and many say that, but I don’t believe (and I could be wrong) that every one goes to the lengths or self-made pit falls, to experience it all. Now honestly, who am I to say, that all of what Life has to offer, even involves some of what I’ve gone through. For the average Joe, I know it doesn’t and they would whole heartedly say that this is not what Life IS about and that I’m doing it wrong. Maybe to some. Sometimes I would agree… and other times, I’m grateful for every strand of experience, no matter how absolutely soul shaking it may have been, that I’ve been privvy too.

I’ll go ahead and say that I’ve witnessed a lot that MOST (and I surely say ‘most’, despite the arguments of some readers) may never experience for themselves… and thats because (this is my opinion) there is a part of the world that isn’t meant for the common persons eyes. There is a part of the world kept hidden, SO that you can go about your life, and FIND and LIVE that happy, white picket fence (that parts a bit of an exaggeration- but you get my drift) life that is fully part of those that live within the “status-quo”… There is 190% nothing wrong with that, and I encourage you to count your blessings every day, and hug and love your sweet ones, that much more.

For me… I guess from the beginning of this human experience, that just wasn’t in the cards for me. In this moment, I don’t say that in a woe-is-me way… It’s a common saying that ‘we’re each dealt a different deck of cards — — SIDENOTE: I just googled the quote I said above to make sure it was accurate, and found so many quotes that say all but that specific one, and I very well may go on a rant about some of those magnificent ones at a later time — and how you finish, is all in how you choose to play”- I can honestly say that I’ve chosen to play rough. I’ve always chosen the most difficult path rather than the easiest, and perhaps most beneficial and self serving, even if it were laid out in gold and lined with the petunias. I’ve always chosen to ‘go down the path less traveled’… you know what they DONT say in regards to that quote? That life will be HARD. That that life will only BE a life, if youre capable of making it out alive, with a backbone still strong, and a smile on your face. That you WILL face absolutely evry fear. Every heartbreak. Every shame. You’ll face being lonely; which isn’t a word for the faint of heart. Lonliness KILLS; and I firmly believe is one of, if not THE soul reason that some go as dark as they do… because to SIT in lonliness, be tortured by it, get to know it, become friends with it, and then to face and get to know every dark and light part of yourself, and come out whole, is damn near impossible. THAT is what they don’t tell you, with the sweet, sing songy words of that quote. You will challenge or BE challenged with every ‘law’ or ‘moral’ you were brought up to believe. Made to question it. Question yourself. Question your reality. Question your sanity. Question if you are worthy of the oxygen on this earth that many take for granted as if its something they’re entitled to.

We all know, or at the very least, seem to acknowledge at funerals, that Life is very short, and we should appreciate and show gratitude where [its obvious], and when we hug our loved ones that we haven’t seen in ages, we all commonly say “We shouldn’t wait for a death of a family member, to do this again”… but then what happens? Time and time again we let months, years, even decades go by, where we’ve lost track of time, caught up in the ‘here and now’ of life… which often for most of us, looks like going back to our 9–5 job, our family and children who have not only school, but after school/summer activities, PTA, or our personal clubs that we use as our temporary ticket out of “Life” for a minute so we can just fucking breathe for a minute.

I’ve again, gone on a bit of a rant… and I AM that person to say that with what I HAVE experienced in Life… I’m a believer in ones Higher Self. Of letting Ego go (not that I HAVE or by any means am a master of such a art), and getting in tune with the soul within this skin bag, we often let run things. I DO believe that what I just wrote out above, was because I just got ‘in the zone’ and let my fingers do the talking, thus, my ‘higher self’ take over, and do the talking.

I suppose… to bring it back to why I opened up my laptop, in the middle of these fucking gorgeous woods- looking up to watch my dog, more than the maximum of 20 feet out from their human, that the city would ever possisbly allow… enjoying his stick… enjoying the tall pines that circle us, running wild as a dog SHOULD… sitting here in front of the fire pit waiting to be lit, as I type type away on my computer, with my truck behind me- my bed all comfy and inviting, decked out with twinkle lights on the inner roof n all… feeling the epitome of ‘Home”… when in the real of day, I left my 3 bedroom house in Seattle, full of ‘treasures & belongings’, to fight for my sanity, and my life, by coming down south, where I am by every means, homeless.

I have ever been chasing the feeling of belonging, of home, of mental peace… and right now, in this moment… a moment like none other I have felt in a long, long time… I am free. I am happy. I am me.